How Sexual Assault Survivors Are Redefining Pleasurable Sex
Some survivors are learning to move past their trauma by asserting their needs
A man raped me when I was 18 years old. I was just starting to get comfortable with my sexual self, and the assault forever changed how I approached sex. As I recovered, I renegotiated the process of creating a safe, healthy sex life — and found that some aspects of that sex life were actually better than before. But why?
Reclaiming a sexual identity has led some survivors to a similar place: They’re having better sex than they were before they were assaulted — and often they tie these improvements to the experience of coping with assault. These survivors can become more focused on pleasure, enthusiastic consent, assertive communication, and sexual exploration than they were pre-assault. This kind of post-traumatic growth has led survivors forward to more embodied, communicative, and pleasurable sex — not just for other survivors, but for all of us.
“I would never say [the assault] was a positive thing, and it still affects me really badly,” says Angela, a rape survivor. Even so, she found that in the wake of her assault her sex life improved — and her perspective on sex fundamentally changed. Angela worked with her partner towards more clear consent and made sure she was actively engaged during sexual encounters.
Before she was assaulted, Libby says she had a disembodied relationship with sex. “My first experience of it was somebody taking something from me that wasn’t mine entirely,” she explains. Experiencing sexuality in an intensely negative way causes many survivors to question assumed power dynamics. Savannah says that growing up, she absorbed the idea that “sex was something to give to a man to show him how grateful I was for him.”
Savannah, Libby, and many other survivors start to question these notions after their assaults. As Libby got older and articulated that what had happened to her was assault, she began to think: “there’s a lot more here, in terms of having sex, for me to go find and take for myself.”
Survivors often focus on pleasure over orgasm. “Many survivors have a hard time orgasming because orgasming requires surrender,” Julie explains. “After…
