Member-only story
One Day at a Time
How to Stop the Endless Worrying
Daily insights on life in the face of uncertainty, by psychiatrist and habit change specialist Dr. Jud Brewer
In today’s column, I want to talk about how worry and control are related. Let’s explore why we feel like we need to be in control — and how trying to gain control over things beyond our reach can cause problems, and what we can do to balance this instinct.
In these unusual, uncomfortable times, I’ve seen a lot of people trying to maintain or exert control over their situation. I know professors who are spending a lot of time trying to create the perfect online learning experience for their students. I know parents who are trying to create the perfect homeschool environment for their children. I know many people stocking up on food and supplies or just plain worrying quite a bit (worry in and of itself can be an attempt to control).
So what’s going on here? When is this attempt to create control helpful, and when is it not so helpful? And how do these behaviors increase anxiety?
Let’s start by looking at the brain.
I’ve mentioned reward-based learning in previous columns. It’s the strongest learning system our brains have, and it has three main elements: a trigger, a behavior, and a reward. A fair amount of research has linked negative reinforcement to worry and feelings of control. Basically, when triggered by external events (or internal things like fear or anxiety), our minds start to worry in an attempt to control unwanted experiences. In this scenario, the reward our brain reaps is feeling like we are doing something. Another reward is that worrying distracts us from the worse-feeling emotions of fear or anxiety.
There are two pitfalls here.
First, worry itself can become an unwanted experience. You probably know this already. If you worry a lot or spend time around people who worry a lot, you know it’s not a pleasant mental space to hang out in! Second, when worry gets reinforced through reward-based learning, it can become really hard to control the worry itself. I’m sure if you’ve worried about something and someone told you to stop worrying, you’ve just added worrying about…
