A Tool Kit for Stressed Couples on Lockdown
Five survival strategies from a relationship researcher and clinical psychologist
As we move into yet another week of sheltering in place, families find themselves spending more time together than perhaps ever before. With couples cooped up indefinitely, relationships will surely be tested. In fact, the divorce rate in Xi’an, China, skyrocketed following their lockdown. Anxieties are high, toilet paper rations are low, and couples may need some help navigating this unprecedented time.
In times of stress, it is normal for couples to argue and bicker more often. Yet, this pandemic is no ordinary stress. For most, this is a time of deep uncertainty, fear, and grief. Even if you are not personally impacted by the coronavirus, the news these days is full of terrifying statistics, stock market concerns, and unemployment struggles.
When things are difficult, we are less effective at managing our anger and irritability. This is an especially daunting time for couples with young children. Managing a relationship while also working, providing childcare, homeschooling, and/or taking care of (or worrying about) older parents or relatives can feel utterly untenable. These sorts of added responsibilities create strain in even the strongest relationships.
Most couples are not used to spending all of their time together without a reprieve in the form of work, seeing friends or extended family, going to the gym, or running to the store. This 24/7 togetherness, combined with the stress of the pandemic, has left many couples struggling.
You are not alone if you feel this relationship distress. And while your partner is (probably) not chewing louder than normal, the current circumstances likely amplify any eccentricities that may have irked you about them in the past. Drawing from my therapeutic work with couples, I have put together the following five-part guide for surviving the pandemic with your relationship intact, and possibly even stronger.
1. Communication is key
First and foremost, make sure your communication skills are on point. There is plenty for you to discuss and negotiate during this time, and being locked inside together is sure to bring preexisting issues to the surface. Effective communication has two components: speaking clearly (about your thoughts and feelings) and actively listening to your partner. Make a plan for the aspects of being locked down together that cause the greatest stress. If you have children, try to divide and conquer as best you can.
My partner and I created a staggered work and childcare schedule to manage working, homeschooling a kindergartener, and caring for our five-month-old. It may sound silly, but our plan includes spreadsheets, scheduled activities, structured time, and earplugs. Your plan doesn’t need to be quite as complex (we’re both research scientists after all), but it does need to be discussed, agreed upon, and implemented.
It also needs to be evaluated — which means checking in regularly to see whether it works for both of you. If something is not working, clearly ask for what you need. For bonus relationship points, ask your partner how you can better support them or their unmet needs. Neither of you is a mind-reader — the only way to be on the same page is to talk and listen.
Practice: If an aspect of your plan isn’t working, it will need to be renegotiated. Using “I statements,” discuss what you and your partner think, feel, and need. Use active listening (including validating, paraphrasing, and clarifying) to truly understand each other’s perspectives.
While your partner is (probably) not chewing louder than normal, the current circumstances likely amplify any eccentricities that may have irked you about them in the past.
2. Get on the same team
Don’t lose sight of the fact that you’re in this together. Uniting around a problem, rather than turning against each other, promotes cooperation, compassion, and emotional vulnerability. It also allows each partner to feel empathy for each other’s point of view. For example, if you find yourself increasingly irritated by your partner using antiseptic wipes to clean off every piece of mail, instead of criticizing and correcting, try to acknowledge the underlying fear they must be feeling.
Other examples of an adversarial stance include blaming, faultfinding, withdrawing, avoiding, minimizing, and justifying. Acknowledging the emotions underneath our partners’ words and actions helps us shift to a more empathic response. Reducing the adversarial relationship helps set up a dynamic in which you can talk through problems with vulnerability and increase intimacy.
Practice: Next time you find yourself annoyed at your loved one’s actions, instead of criticizing, take a deep breath and ask yourself: “What might they be feeling that is driving this behavior?” Then, address them from a place of compassion, empathy, and understanding rather than irritability.
3. Give and take space
Even in tight quarters, you can find ways to take physical and emotional space. For me, this sometimes means going outside for a walk or cooking a complicated meal to distract myself. Reminding yourself (and each other) to take a time out when a disagreement stops being productive is crucial.
A time-out is not the same as ignoring the issue altogether, nor should it be used to avoid conflict. A time-out means taking a break, cooling off and reflecting, and coming back together to discuss the issue with level heads. This is a crisis management tool that, when used effectively, can help de-escalate situations that may lead to conflict and diminish intimacy.
Practice: Discuss a time-out plan with your partner prior to an argument. Coming up with a time-out strategy in advance ensures that you are on the same page. Agree to the terms of the time-out (for example, who gets to call the time-out, how long it should last, where each person goes to cool off, when you will readdress the issue, etc.).
4. Create positive interactions
When we’re feeling anxious or depressed, the urge is to withdraw or avoid. However, oxytocin (the “love hormone”) can modulate our stress response by decreasing cortisol (the “stress hormone”) levels. Positive interactions, involving physical touch and emotional support, promote oxytocin and reduce cortisol.
Some couples therapists posit that the “magic ratio” of positive to negative interactions is 5-to-1, meaning couples should aim for five or more positive interactions for every negative one they share. Positive interactions can consist of showing affection, expressing validation and empathy, performing acts of kindness, expressing appreciation and gratitude, accepting one another’s perspective, celebrating small victories, and enjoying quality time together. Remember, spending all of your time under one roof is not the same as spending intentional and quality time together.
Practice: Take note of your negative to positive interactions ratio. If your ratio is falling short, commit to doing something positive with or for your partner. Expressing gratitude is always a great place to start. Try to find something you appreciate about your partner and let them know you are grateful.
5. Practice self-care
Relying on our partners to meet all of our emotional needs during this time (or anytime, really) is misguided. This might be a great opportunity to get into the meditation practice you’ve always wanted to cultivate, learn deep breathing strategies, or take up running.
And for those who are juggling so much that you’ve had to reheat your morning cup of coffee four times before 1 p.m., try to identify something that reorients you to the moment. Perhaps it is a song, a mantra, or a few deep breaths. Research shows that even small doses of daily meditation (for example, five minutes) can lower anxiety and improve mood. Social support is another critical aspect of self-care. Social distancing does not mean social isolation. Reach out to friends and family to offer, and receive, support.
Practice: If you’re struggling to find time for self-care, try it first thing in the morning. Before the obligations of family and work (and distractions of the news and social media) set in, take five minutes to do a few simple yoga poses before getting up for the day or take some mindful breaths in the shower.
There is, of course, much left unsaid here. The disproportionate burden that a quarantine places on families (and particularly women) with young children is clear. To those of you managing young kids on top of relationship stress, be kind to yourselves and remember that this is a temporary new normal.
Also, this may be a good time to consider seeking professional relationship help. Many therapists are offering appointments virtually and can help you develop skills and strategies to get through this difficult time.
Most notably, being isolated at home with a partner can be a very dangerous place for those experiencing relationship violence, which is a very real concern during this pandemic. The above recommendations do not apply to those in abusive relationships or those who suspect a partner may be abusing a child. The National Domestic Violence Hotline remains in operation and can be reached at 1-800-799-SAFE.
