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One Day at a Time
Feeling Guilty for Not Doing Enough? You Are.
Daily insights on life in the face of uncertainty, by psychiatrist and habit change specialist Dr. Jud Brewer
Are you feeling stuck at home, unable to do anything but watch the current crisis from the sidelines? Maybe even feeling guilty or ashamed that there are doctors, nurses, and other first responders on the front lines of the battle while you’re safely at home? What you’re feeling is totally normal — and there are ways to keep from spiraling into negative emotions and recognize that we’re all doing our part.
Recently, my brother-in-law sent me a text of a Muppet dressed in a white coat with a stethoscope around his neck with the caption: “STAY HOME… unless you want to get intubated by a psychiatrist.” As my wife put it, this was funny and not funny at the same time.
We psychiatrists are much better at focusing on the mind than the body, so I’m doing my best to pitch in from home. I’ve switched my outpatient clinic to telemedicine, and I hold weekly office hours on YouTube live so that anyone can reach out with questions. I’m better at this type of stuff than I am at working in the ICU — I haven’t intubated a patient since I was a resident. And as I’m about to explain, feeling guilty about not being on the front lines isn’t going to help me or anyone else.
And yet, understandably, a lot of people are feeling shame and guilt for not doing more in these hard times. During my office hours, one person commented, “I feel guilty that I’m enjoying being home with my family and pets while people are dying, and others are fighting the disease in hospitals.” That same day, a student of mine asked how to work with feelings of guilt for staying home and not helping more. He described how he is used to being a helper and how helping makes him feel good — because, of course, when we lend a hand, it is rewarding.
Yet, my student went on to point out something more subtle. He had been mapping his own habit loops, where he’d identify triggers, behaviors, and rewards that drove unhealthy habits for him. When he traced his behavior, he noticed an underlying thought of “You could be doing more, so why aren’t you?” When he read about…
